Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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