So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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