Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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