They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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