my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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