Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
