walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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