I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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