So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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