I seem to have left my pride at pride
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
