ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
