We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
