Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
