why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
