I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
