she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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