Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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