Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
