Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
