I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Church boner. Awkwardddd
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
