She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
