New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
