I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
