my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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