If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
