Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
