I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your cock deserves a montage
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
