Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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