So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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