I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
