Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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