I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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