I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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