Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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