Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
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This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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