Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
