Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize