Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
