I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Randomize
