she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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