you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
