My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
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