what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
