I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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