how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
lets start a swedish sibling band together
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
