we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
