i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
