So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
