i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
