the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
