Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
