Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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