Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
