You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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