listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
