dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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