He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
