I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
